I haven’t posted in a month and a half. There’s a lot of reasons for that. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is…wait, that’s not right.
The past few months have been hell for us for a lot of reasons that I’m just not going to get into. Just trust me, it’s been hard. Really, really hard. I haven’t posted, because life has been so difficult that I just didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I’m not sure how much has changed. I’m still unsure. But I think I can share from this pain, and hopefully it will help someone else who is having a rough go of things.
I was processing the pain with a friend of mine, and he asked if I thought Jesus was enough. He didn’t ask this in a condescending or super-spiritual way. It was a genuine question regarding whether or not I was satisfied in Christ. That made me think. Is Jesus enough? Well in some ways, no. I need food, shelter, etc. Jesus isn’t enough. But in many other ways…yes. If I have Christ, even if I am without food or shelter, I have eternal life. Yes he is certainly enough. In church today we discussed the nature of God’s name being I AM. God IS what* we need. He is comfort. He is shelter. He is healing. As we sang about this truth in worship, I thought about the sufficiency of Christ. I thought about how I want to just be content in him. I don’t want to be rattled by my circumstances. But I also don’t want to just paper over those circumstances. They suck. And I don’t like them.
About a year and a half ago my wife miscarried. It was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. And we railed at God. Why could he just let this happen? How could he let this happen? A year and a half out, and I still don’t know. I still tear up when I think of our little baby girl. But in the midst of our railing, a verse came to mind for both of us. Job 13:15, “Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.” Even if God were to take action against me, even if he were to slay me…I will trust him. And somehow, that’s how we both felt. We both felt the pain. We still do. But in the midst of the pain…we know that no matter the reason or rationale, we trust God.
I listened to a lecture by Gary Habermas awhile back, and he was talking about evidence for the resurrection. It was a lecture for students of Apologetics, and it was very academic. But in the midst of presenting all this incredibly important academic information, Dr Habermas made it personal. He began to talk about how the fact of the resurrection got him through his wife’s death. He said that he imagined asking God why his wife had died. God’s response was, “Gary, did I raise my son from the dead?” His response would be, “Lord of course you did. I’ve written books about it. I know you did. But why did my wife have to die?” The Lord would continue to respond, “Did I raise my son from the dead?” And that’s the only response he imagined God ever giving him. Because that’s the central question. Is Christ raised? If so, then find your life in him who has been raised and now sits at the right hand of the Father (Colossians 3:1-4. If he has not been raised, we among all men are to be pitied the most (1st Corinthians 15). So, I’m convinced that Christ was raised, and if nothing else were ever done on my behalf, that is enough.
When we had our miscarriage last year, the one verse that kept running through my mind was Job 13:15 “Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.” Last year, the first part of the verse was most meaningful to me. Though he slay me, I will trust him. Now, the second half is more meaningful. I will trust him, yet I will still tell him how I feel about my life.
*It is important to note that God is not whatever we need. He is not a genie who provides things for us. He IS what we need. When we are in need, we need him. We do not need him to give us something. We need to recognize that he has given us himself.